What is high conflict?

If you're in a high-conflict custody battle and reading this, you're probably desperate for information to help your case. You wonder why nobody seems to listen, why it feels like you're shouting into the void. You're running out of money and time, questioning how the abusive person you're up against always seems to get away with everything, while you're blamed for things you didn't do. It feels like they are untouchable, invisible, while the abuse you endured in marriage continues to haunt you. You might start to believe it's your fault. Maybe the only person who doesn't see it is you. Wrong.

The court system won't give you justice. It won't protect your child. It won't protect you. Why? Because of cause and effect. The courts miss this basic process when they evaluate and judge. Reactive abuse is the abuser's number one weapon in family court. When someone constantly attacks you, how much are you supposed to take before you defend yourself? Before you say enough? Before you protect yourself and your children? Before you fight back?

Your reactions – anger, stubbornness, silence, lack of cooperation, short temper – aren't signs of a bad parent. They're signs of a person who's been pushed too far. You're not treated well, and neither is your child. You're tired of being a doormat. You've left your spouse and refuse to endure the same treatment. But the courts don't get this. They expect you to be flexible, cooperative, smiling. They expect you to act like everything's fine when it's not. God forbid you're anxious or angry. God forbid you aren't a ray of sunshine with a pristine home, volunteering for Girl Scouts, and displaying self-assuredness that comes from not being beaten down for years.

The courts assess you with custody evaluators who give you a report card based on factors irrelevant at this moment in time. Meanwhile, the abusive person feels great. They're some of the best actors in the world, putting on a show with ease. You, on the other hand, can't fake it. When you point out their behavior, you’re seen as unreasonable. Even though it’s a custody evaluation and you think that’s the point, they shake their heads. Tsk tsk. Uncooperative parenting.

So what if they beat you? So what if they alienate your child? So what if they don't respect your time and set you up for failure again and again? You’re supposed to ignore that and focus on your child, right? This setup allows abusers to win custody repeatedly. The victim, used to losing, looks like the bad guy, even starts to believe it. Everyone else does. Good parents, trapped by the wrong partner, forever pay for that mistake.

The courts don't see the obvious: when one person is calm and making unbacked claims while the other has serious claims and is anxious, depressed, and angry, it's cause and effect. 80% of high-conflict custody cases involve domestic violence. Psychological abuse leaves no visible bruises but is equally destructive. The abuser’s tactics affect the child too. If they abuse the child’s mother or father, they will abuse the child. Always.

Shame on the court systems. Shame on these evaluators. This is a setup. When there's a crime, report it. Think outside family court. Hold your ex accountable through other agencies. This will impact your case, revealing their true character. Crimes pursued by the state don’t need your lawyer or your money.

When your child is with your abusive ex, it is like torture, and nobody seems to get it. They minimize the abuser’s actions and blame you for your reactions. It's not fair, but it's the only thing you control in this absurd scenario. How does someone in this situation maintain being a good parent, a reliable person, or have any confidence or ability to support their child? Your child still has their own life, with childhood challenges that you must handle alongside this turmoil. The courts don’t acknowledge this, nor do they care.

But cause and effect are crucial here because you worry for your child's well-being. If you weren’t, you wouldn’t spend every dollar you’ve ever made on this battle. You wouldn’t put yourself in the line of fire from your ex repeatedly. Remember, what your ex is doing now will affect your child. You can’t control that. But your reaction to what’s happening to you and your child is your only hope of maintaining your relationship with your child. It can even become stronger.

You need to be what the other parent is not: caring, consistent, and supportive. Prioritize your child’s needs over the courtroom battles. I know it’s hard to balance time, energy, and money, but your child must come first. Don’t let the effects of family court, evaluators, and your ex make you lose sight of the most important thing: your child. That’s how they win. Keep your focus there, and not only will your child come out of this okay, but the family court system, these evaluators, and your ex can never take away from you the thing that is the most valuable. The thing that has never wavered and that is the unbreakable bond that you have with your child. Because even if the abuser wins, God forbid, that child will grow up and they will look for you. They will make sure they find you. And you'll always be there for them to do that, no matter what this legal system orders or what your ex does. Cause and effect.